Why Can't I Get Over My Ex? The 5 Stages of a Breakup
Published June 3rd, 2023 by Sabah V.
The Book: “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie has shed valuable information on the process of acceptance within a breakup.
In this article, I will be quoting her book directly. I strongly suggest you give the book a read if you enjoy this article.
“Accept reality? Half the time we don’t even know what reality is. We’re lied to; we lie to ourselves; and our heads are spinning. The other half of the time, facing reality is simply more than we can bear, more than anyone can bear.”
-Melody Beattie
Why We Go Through These Stages
Your heart is broken, and you tell yourself it’ll never be fixed.
We hear all this stuff about how you’ll get over it and you will find love again. We somewhat believe it, but then we start to think about that person we miss so dearly and we question it all over again.
People say that breakups have stages, then once you complete them all: we’re free. Going through these stages are what help us finally accept reality and make peace with it. So let’s dive into the 5 stages of a breakup.
Stage 1: Denial
This stage is a state of shock, numbness, panic, and general refusal to accept or acknowledge reality.
This is when we get into some of our uglier behaviors – obsessing, controlling, repressing feelings. Most of our feelings of “craziness” are also a part of this state.
Denial isn’t lying. It’s not letting yourself know what reality is.
Denial is the shock absorber for the soul.
Ex: She won’t leave forever. She’ll come back. They always come back, right?
Stage 2: Anger
Our anger may be reasonable or unreasonable. We may blame ourselves or others for what we have lost.
We need to be careful about major confrontations because “setting someone straight” often does not turn out the way we expect.
Ex: She was horrible to me. How did I not see it. God! She fucked everything up!
Stage 3: Bargaining
We are not attempting to postpone the inevitable. We are trying to prevent it. We attempt to strike a bargain with ourselves or another person.
Ex: Maybe she wasn’t as bad as I thought. I had some faults too, maybe if we talked everything through and set boundaries going forward, this could work.
Stage 4: Depression
When we see our bargain has not worked, when we finally become exhausted from our struggle to ward off reality, and when we decide to acknowledge what life has socked to us we become sad, sometimes terribly depressed.
This is the stage where we cry, and humbly surrender.
Ex: She’s not coming back. I lost her and I’ll never find someone as good as her again.
Stage 5: Acceptance
After we have closed our eyes, kicked, screamed, negotiated, and finally felt the pain, we arrive at a state of acceptance. We become at peace with what is.
Not only do we become comfortable with our circumstances, but we believe we have in some way benefitted from our loss or change although we may not understand how just yet.
Ex: I had some great times. It sucks that it’s over, but the grass is greener on the other side. I’m excited for what’s next.
Trust The Process
We are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change and loss, but this comes at our own pace and in our own way.
The process isn’t necessarily comfortable. In fact, it is awkward and sometimes painful. We may feel like we’re falling apart. When the process begins, we usually feel shock and panic. As we go through the stages, we often feel confused, vulnerable, lonely, and isolated. A sense of loss of control is usually present, as is hope, which is sometimes unrealistic.
Codependent No More – Melody Beattie
Once again, I would like to state that everything from this article are quotes from the author: Melody Beattie.
Her book is amazing and includes very valuable information, feel free to check it out if you liked what you read here!