The Importance Of Establishing Boundaries In A Relationship
Published May 10th, 2023 by Sabah V.
Establishing boundaries is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. Allowing your boundaries to be bent will cause issues for you and your significant other, and here’s why.
When I Let My Boundaries Be Broken
I started dating this girl my junior year of college, and from the start I was pretty transparent about my boundaries. I told her that in terms of spending time with people, I want to spend 50% of my time with my friends, and 50% of my time with her.
I had been in relationships previously where I became a little distant with my friends because of the amount of time I spent with my significant other, so I didn’t want to repeat that mistake again.
She obliged, and agreed as well. But as time went on, she started to test my boundaries. It got to the point that if she wanted to spend time together, and I was spending time with my roommates, she would question if I even loved her.
She would say things like, “I don’t get why you don’t want to hang out with me” or “Are your friends really more important than me”. And being myself, I was afraid to hurt her, and most of the time I would leave what I was doing to spend time with her.
Next thing I knew, I was spending the night at her apartment six out of seven nights of the week. I started to become really upset with the relationship, and everything began to crumble.
How Does This Work?
The thing is, when you allow simple boundaries such as that to be broken: you both begin to resent each other.
I started to resent her for the time she was taking away from my college years, and she started to resent me for not having any backbone by always saying yes to her.
Because my boundaries were being broken, we started to argue more. And because I always said yes to her and we spent so much time together, she started to become bored with me. Our relationship fell apart.
When you start to push someone’s boundaries in a relationship, it shows your lack of respect for them.
How To Handle This
Holding your boundaries to what they are doesn’t have to be a hard thing to do. You don’t have to be rude about it.
For example: in my past situation, when she was pushing my boundaries to spend time together when I was with my friends I could have said: “Sorry not tonight. I already made plans. I love you though and I can’t wait to see you next.”
This is a perfect way of holding your boundaries to what they are without being rude and dismissive. If your significant other still has an issue, then that should show you a lot about their character as a whole.
Looking back, even if she was still upset about me not adhering to her every wish, she most likely would have gotten over it and our time together would have been more valuable. In fact, she most likely would have had more respect for me at the end of the day for sticking to my word.
Establish your boundaries. Acknowledge the other person and don’t be rude. If they constantly give you a hard time about it, then you deserve better.